Talks with Pop-Pop

Since Regan was little we've always talked about my Dad with her. We keep a picture on the fridge and she often looks at photos of him with me.

Over the last year she has really talked about him a lot; like she knows him. She'll often say "Pop-Pop gave this to me", "Pop-Pop is in Heaven". And this Summer she even looked in the clouds and said "I see Pop-Pop".

Today, she asked me to help her open a box; her Hallmark ornament that she got in her stocking from my Mom. While we were opening it she says "Pop-Pop gave this to me, did you know that Mom, I talk to him, he was your Dad, he's in Heaven, I never met Pop-Pop but he talks to me". I immediately broke down in tears as she doesn't know it but the tradition of the Hallmark ornament was started by my Mom on Christmas 1986; the first Christmas without my Dad. Mom said it was from him to us. And then when the kids were born, she continued that tradition with them. I've never told Regan all of this, just that Nonna gave them to us. Maybe she's heard us talk? Or maybe she does talk to him. Either way, she feels like she knows him even if they've never met.

Tonight before bed, I asked her what they talk about and she said "Well, lots of stuff like animals and airplanes and bikes". That makes perfect sense! She loves all of those things and my Dad loved planes. He was working on his pilot's license when he died.

Whether she talks to him, or just has a very vivid imagination, there's no better "imaginary" person to talk to than my Dad that's for sure!

It's already been 4 years....really?

It's only Tuesday, but this week has been so sad for me. My baby girl will turn 4 next Monday. It's so hard to believe that my baby is slipping away and all too fast.

It seems like only yesterday that we welcomed our perfect little girl into this world. She was born the day before Thanksgiving in 2008 and she was indeed the gift we are most thankful to have in our life. 

Most of you have heard my story a dozen times, but it never gets old to me. 

I had just begun to come to grips with the fact that I was never going to have children. I had joined the thousands of woman that face fertility issues and had exhausted all measures over a 10 year span in my life and when I married Sean in 2005, we both discussed this and had agreed that we would be a childless couple and that would be okay as that was the cards we were dealt. 

This might be a little TMI, so please look away if you tend to be squeamish . I battled female problems from the time I was 19, I had procedure after procedure and suffered a lot of scar tissue because of it and had ovaries that just didn't want to work the way they were intended. In late 2004, my doctor wanted me to get an IUD in an effort to attempt to control Mother Nature's cycle, so I agreed. In 2008, when I felt tired, ill, and just not right and hadn't had a visit from Mother Nature, I just played it off as my crazy woman organs not cooperating. However, it was just past the time I was suppose to get the IUD checked. I had been working long, crazy days and had just not taken the time to get to the doctor. But before I could have it checked, I knew something was different, but I kept telling Sean "there's no way I'm pregnant, not with my issues AND an IUD". So, we kept having that conversation for a week or so before he said "I'm going to get a pregnancy test". And off he went across the street to CVS and came back with not one, but a whole box of them. I thought he was crazy, but turned out, I was in such shock when the first one came up positive, that I ended up taking every test in that box...with the same result. 

It was Mother's Day weekend that I took the home test and then we headed to Mom's in SEMO from Kentucky to spend the weekend with her. I was so excited but still so scared. I was scared to be excited as I had read about false positives and figured that might be what it was, but I couldn't keep it a secret, I was about to explode with excitement. So, the night we arrived at Mom's, we told her. And she felt the same way, she wanted to be excited but was afraid to be. I was able to call and make an appointment with my doctor that Friday before we left for Mom's and he had me on the books to come in that following Monday. Despite us being hesitant {since remember, I did have an IUD, how's this possible on top of all my issues? Is this real? Pinch me! Please God let this be real!} Mom and I hit the Carter's baby store in Sikeston and called my Sis while we were in the store to tell her. 

It was a LONG weekend, but Monday finally arrived and couldn't wait to get to the doctor, but oh wait, maybe I could, I couldn't bear the thought of not being pregnant after seeing all those positive pregnancy tests. I arrive at the doctor's office and do the "official" pee test and what was mere minutes felt like hours. Yep, we were pregnant! And because of the IUD and my history, they did an ultrasound right away. The doctor discovered that the IUD had become dislodged and told me that removing it could cause a miscarriage. He was actually very surprised that I hadn't already based on it's current location. So, it was an incredible moment all the while terrifying. All that I had dreamed of my whole life was happening and it could be gone in an instant. I prayed SO hard, I cried, I totally lost it both for being overjoyed and scared as hell. The doctor wasted no time and got me prepped for the IUD removal. And thank GOD his steady hands with the help of modern Ultrasound technology and an awesome nurse removed it with no complications. That was the beginning of my beautiful but very difficult journey. He gave me a December 8, 2008 due date, which we later found out after a discussion with my doctor and our pediatrician that the due date should actually have been the first part of January(so Regan was a really early arrival). 

The next few months would pass with me only have extreme fatigue, no morning sickness at all. I thought "wow, this is gonna be a breeze". But alas, it wasn't . Around my 5th month every complication I could have I think I had. I had gestational diabetes(which never went away, but the doctor thinks I had it before pregnancy), high blood pressure (which now I kind of think I may have had heart issues back then as well and just didn't know it until my heart attack), and then I went pre-eclamptic as well. 

I was in and out of the doctor's office every week for what seemed like forever. They monitored me very well and while I had to take insulin shots, blood pressure medicine, etc, baby girl seemed to be doing okay. 

I went to my doctor on Tuesday, November 25th and he sent me to the hospital to get checked out. My stats weren't good; my blood pressure was through the roof, Regan's heart beat was a little abnormal and the swelling of my legs, ankles and feet were so severe I could only wear house shoes. I was checked in at the hospital to be put on a fetal monitor and medicine to lower my vitals. Well, I never went home that day. They decided to induce me as it was just too much of a risk to not have her at this point. I was so excited, yet still scared out of my wits that something would go wrong. 

I made all the necessary calls and of course Mom hit the road so she could be there with us. They gave me pitocin and then by dinner time that night I hadn't progressed a lot so they upped it a bit and broke my water. I labored quite a bit and had dry heaves something fierce. I got an epidural and BAM, it went so fast. I had most of my labor before the epidural unknowing to us and by the time I got it it was time to start pushing. And I literally pushed a few times, or three or MAYBE four and she popped right out! I was WAY closer than any of us realized at that time. Regan was born at 2:17a.m. on November 26th. She was 6lbs 3oz and 19 inches long! And had a head full of dark hair! And was perfectly healthy!!!!!!

I only spent that Tuesday and Wednesday in the hospital and I asked the nurse to ask the doctor if we could all go home to be together for Thanksgiving. And he agreed. I was surprised based on my history but was so thankful. We went home and ordered our takeout Thanksgiving meal that day, but no worries, my Mom cooked us a real Thanksgiving feast that weekend! 

So, if you didn't know the story before, you do now, and you know why I call her my "true miracle baby". 

She has blessed and enriched our lives beyond belief. I still have to pinch myself sometimes! Regan is the most kind, compassionate, caring, sharing child ever and I'm so glad God picked me to be her Mom. 

May you all have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Pay It Forward

It's fast approaching six months since my heart attack and while I'm thankful for my life and feel like a miracle took place, not everyone is so lucky. I'm not totally out of the woods in the health arena, but one day at a time and that's more than some get, some have already lost their fight.

I've been at my new job for a mere three months and have been witness to so much sadness, heartache and tragedy; so much so that I've done some soul searching to find comfort in the blessings that I have and not to worry about the things I don't have. Life isn't easy, we struggle to make ends meet like so many others out there, but we make it and that's all that matters. I can't say that I don't worry about finances and all the stuff that comes with being a responsible adult but when I see what others have lived through or are going through, I realize that my life isn't so bad.

So, since life hasn't dealt me a winning lottery ticket yet so that I can help all those that need it, I've found true strength, happiness and content in doing what I can to pay it forward by way of donating my time to charitable causes that are near and dear to me. It doesn't take fame and fortune, just a little of my time and effort, two things that I CAN do!

I did a walk last week for the Diabetes Foundation and while it wasn't a big deal, it sure made my heart smile to be helping others.

I encourage everyone to find some way to pay it forward, it's the little things that add up to something amazing! Together we can make big things happen. I hope you'll join me in my mission.

The Girls LOVE Silver Dollar City!

Today was such a beautiful day that my Sister and I decided to take the kids to Silver Dollar City. The weather was awesome and it wasn't too crowded when we first arrived, so we took turns riding with the girls since Trey baby was with us; won't be long before he can ride some rides too!

There's a lot there I'd like to spend time looking at, but with the kids, it's hard to do, so one day I'm hoping to have an "adults only" day out and spend some time on the big rides and some of the shops.

The girls do so great every time we go and today was no exception. And Trey did awesome too, he stayed in his stroller taking it all in and never got fussy! Great kids we have!

The afternoon got busy, but we had done most of the rides they like with the exception of a few, but they opted for the carousel and the play house and swings instead of lady bugs and butterflies, so it was all good.

Four Months since my Life Stood Still

This weekend marks four months since my heart attack. Hard to believe how fast time goes by. April 25, 2012 is a day that I will never forget and a day that forever changed me and my life!

I am thankful to be alive and thankful for such awesome friends and family.

I am doing well. I still have some issues to address but hopefully when I see my Cardiologist next month, I will know more about how much longer before I have to get the two blockages I still have fixed. It will require me to be off work again for a month or more, so I'm hoping I'm doing well enough to put it off til at least the first of the year when I will have been with Cox for one year and will be eligible for FMLA at that time.

I still struggle with some things; blood sugar and blood pressure even with medication, but I know the biggest issues is changing my diet way more than I have to help those issues. I LOVE healthy food, but my wallet does not! It's expensive to eat healthy and it's just not been in the budget, but hoping that improves with my new job/new pay.

Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I still have a lot to get through, but I'm confident in time, I will get where I need to be!

Love and hugs!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Happy 39th Birthday Daddy! Regan stated weeks ago that she wanted Daddy to have a Robot cake. She said it had to be red with a yellow nose like the one at the Toy Store at Silver Dollar City on the bottom shelf. I had no idea what she was talking about as the last time we were at the Toy Store was back in May when she got a Hello Kitty stuffed animal.

I tried googling "red robot with yellow nose" among other things and showed them to her and she always said "no, that's not it Mommy".

I called the toy store to see if they would send me a picture, if indeed they even had one since she had never mentioned it while we were there, so I wasn't convinced it was at that store. I couldn't get through to them, always put on hold or hung up on(hopefully accidentally). So, I decided we'd just go and take a look.

Mom and Sis went a day we had to go to a birthday party, but they looked for us and sure enough, there it was....red, yellow nose and on the bottom shelf.

She and Nonna made Sean's birthday cake, most of which Regan did by herself.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Week Three

Today marks three weeks at my new job. It's hard to believe how fast time goes by. I am loving the job but it comes with a lot of challenges; the hardest being managing 20 different personalities.

I've spent most of the last three weeks in training and meetings. I have never seen a place that has so many meetings and sends so many emails! I probably average one meeting per day and 50-100 emails each day and that's conservative numbers!

I have never supervised this large of a group before, so it's quite a challenge on so many levels. But I'm learning a lot from the other supervisors and my Director. They are awesome!

I have a pretty laid back management style as long as you are doing your job, I know, hard for you all to believe being that I have such a strong personality! :) But I'm also learning that sometimes laid back just won't work. :)

I am learning every one's personality and style just as they are trying to feel me out. There are a lot of issues that I inherited but that is to be expected with any job I guess. Some days I wonder "can I do this" and others day I say "I got this", so every day is different but I'm certainly committed to my job and my staff.

For those wondering exactly what it is I do.....well, I'm still learning that, but in a nut shell, I supervise 20 staff on the posting/accounting team. My staff are responsible for posting all money to all accounts, that means money that comes in from Medicare, Medicaid, private insurance, private pay, etc. I am responsible in ensuring they are posting correctly and accurately and in a timely manner. My team also consists of the staff that issue refunds to patients and insurance companies for over payments and they've also thrown in the mail room staff under me as well, so all the payments that come in hit the mail room first and those staff have to get it batched and scanned into the system before my posting team gets it.

I am working very hard to put out "fires" all day long; staff bickering over procedures, dress codes, etc, you name it! But that's normal with a building FULL of all women! We tend to be harder to work with than our counter parts.....the men!

I am trying to learn how to balance everything while not being a dictator or micro manger. I want my staff to know they can come to me about anything at anytime, but I also don't want to play kindergarten cop with adults, so I'm taking lots of classes, training, etc, to learn more about the balancing act required for this job.

I knew going in that it was going to be a challenge, but one that I welcomed with open arms. I am blessed and thankful for being given this opportunity.

My boss, the Director is a lot like me, a little OCD about some things and wants to nip things in the bud right away. I am a true believer in dealing with the issue right away; recognizing the issue, discussing the issue and finding a positive conflict resolution, but until I get more acclimated with the job and the duties, it's hard to do all of that right now.

I had a meeting with my boss and the other two supervisors today and I was amazed at how much respect they have shown me right out of the gate. They truly are awesome and everyone loves them, and they've both been there a long time, so that comforts me a lot. My boss is great about saying "so, Dana, how are you going to handle this" and lets me talk it out with her on how I plan to handle it to get her feedback, and so far, each time, she has agreed with my plan of action.

I have had some great bosses and some not so great bosses in my time and have learned something different and valuable from each and every one of them. I left a job back in 2007 saying to myself "I NEVER EVER want my staff to feel about me the way I felt about my boss", he was such a dictator with no regard or respect for others. And then on the opposite side of that, my last boss was awesome, he was always open and honest with me and taught me so much and did it all with great respect!

I'm planning to dive in head first next week, I have my plans thought out and written out and am just going to go for it, no time like the present and the best way to learn is to just do it!